Why is Thanksgiving dinner always late, and why does it last so long? It’s one of the last refuges of irreducible inefficiency, a throwback to the days of taxis, news that left ink on your hand and human-driven delivery trucks.
My humble proposal today is to hack Thanksgiving Punctuality by reframing Thanksgiving Punctuality.
I begin by asking a simple question that should expand your understanding of this critical issue: When we say "on time,” do we have to mean "all at once?"
Some of us have already disrupted past Thanksgivings by having Uber pick up Grandma so no one has to hear her ranting about the cousins you actually like, and by obsessively checking Fitbit to mitigate holiday weight gain. But here’s one more hack to bring this 17th century holiday fully into the 21st century.
Related: How Uber bridged the political divide.
The proposal: empower every cousin, every uncle and every in-law to have the Thanksgiving they want. Give them the choice in this choice-hungry economy to decide for themselves when, or even where, to eat.
With a new app - that connects people, ovens, produce and beer bottles, all this power is now in your hands.
Call it Turkless.
If you want to watch the Cowboys game first, go ahead.
If you want to take a Skype call for work, go for it.
Don’t like sitting near your gropy uncle? Tag him with Turkless’ surveillance chips and you can just wait til after he eats and falls asleep.
On a cleanse? Skip the food altogether. It’s…all… up… to…you.
It’s simple. You just log in and enter your preferred time and menu. Turk-less can link that input with your relatives’ data, so that everyone in the family has the Thanksgiving they want, when they want it.
If you’d prefer vegan, Turkless can let your aunt know to not use the sausage in the stuffing.
If you’d prefer to talk loudly about the next Clinton-Bush election, Turkless can curate the in-law set to your liking.
If you want to eat after 9 p.m, Turkless can make sure the stove is on simmer long after the fat has congealed on the serving dish.
But Turkless isn’t just about you. It’s about the world. Every time you sign up for Turkless, Turkless will donate one bowl of untouched brussel sprouts to a needy family.
Turkless brings freedom to have the atomic holiday you’ve always wanted.
No unexpected encounters. No unpleasant tastes. The curated experience that can only come from full autonomy for everyone.
Thanksgiving, Disrupted.
At last.
